Shaking off the ash of trauma..
I would drive down the street and immediately cry thinking about the horrid memories that plagued me. I learned to operate in pain that I forgot was even there. I never dealt with it I just accepted apologies and assumed it was over until I realized the stain of trauma on my heart.
See... the things we think people cannot see on us are the things they see the most. I thought I hid my pain well with success and my pretty makeup. I thought that if I could just hop in bed with someone that it would validate me because the first thing my mind pondered on in the morning was my failed relationships and the rejection I faced constantly. To pacify the rejection, sex felt great. To pacify the rejection, the familiar toxic relationship felt great.
I sat in situations several times know well that it was not where God wanted me and to think of how disobedient I was staying there I must've grieved God tremendously.
How would you feel if your child didn't know their worth? How would you feel if you could literally see through a person, but your child was naive and settled at being a step stool for someone? How would you feel if you were screaming in every instance "get out of those relationships!!!" and your child stayed there being abused and mistreated?
I now know the amount of grief that I may have caused God. Then when I was done and God snatched those situations out of my grasp, I gave God my all-in worship and prayer, but I would go home, and it would still be hurt. I would go in worship and prayer and would leave the sanctuary and cry in my car like a baby. I would drive down one particular street and my heart felt like it would leave my chest cavity. I would watch a movie or hear a word and my stomach would feel like someone took a boxing glove and punched me in it. I was hurting and realized in those moments that I just learned how to operate in that pain, but I never got healed. I knew how to traditionally worship, but I didn't mourn the past enough to get free, I couldn't heal from it unless I addressed it and faced it.
I am a firm believer that this time next year I will be a way better person to myself and those around me emotionally because God is about to heal me from my past and take the ashes and give me a crown for them. I am believing the same for you. Cry it out, run it out, pray it out, whatever you need to do to grieve that period of time in your life. If I had to write down all of the bad memories and all of the tears, I wouldn't have enough paper. However, I can ask the Holy Ghost to bring it back to my memory so I can cry about it and mourn it so God can deal with it, bottle up my tears, and record them. I am ready to move forward, let's go!